Political Satire
Major disaster strikes – man is very worried about person he may or may not know there
Port-au-Prince, Haiti – We have all met a Ken Waters in our lives. While we watch news coverage of major disasters and world events on television people like Ken really live the tragedy. While all we can do is pray and send donations; the Ken Waters of the world must endure the suffering of their self projected victimization.
“When I heard of the tragic events in Haiti recently,” he explains, “I remembered I have a 3rd cousin that might be from Haiti so I immediately Tweeted this to my followers and casually worked it into conversations with co-workers about the event.”
He goes to explain how the recent disaster effects himself more so than others due to this minor degree of separation.
“The first step in relating to a major tragedy in the world,” he continues,”is figuring where the fuck it is. This is why much like the media I tend to ignore Darfur.”
“I just hope my 3rd cousin who may or may not be from Haiti is alright.”
- Bookmark :
- Digg
- del.icio.us
- Stumbleupon
- Redit it
Young outraged Conservative confused as to why others do not match his anger
Bobby posing at a tea bagger rally expressing his creativity with a sign.
Jacksboro, Texas – Bobby Williams resides in the small town of Jacksboro, Texas. His Facebook profile lists his interests as “Constitution lover for life hoss.” He is currently attending his local community college and enjoys following Conservative talk radio as well as right wing blogs in his free time. Bobby enjoys getting involved with the current hot issues he learns about from his Tea Party email list subscription.
“I just love my country, you know? If you don’t like it well then you can just get out. We don’t cut and run and we ain’t scared,” he enthusiastically proclaimed without a follow up on exactly what it is that he isn’t scared of. Soap wouldn’t be this reporter’s first guess.
A pressing issue on the mind of Bobby Williams is why others do not match his enthusiasm for the important political issues. He is constantly trying to warn his friends and co-workers about the horrors being committed by the current administration in office but seems to be falling on deaf ears.
“I mean god damn, we got us a Muslim Socialist President with no birth certificate right now in the White House. He’s giving jobs to ACORN goons while funneling tax payer money to his Chicago gangster friends. Why aren’t we doing anything about it? Shit, Rush seemed pretty pissed about it. Lucky for Obama he’s a busy guy and can’t go take care of this himself. We got Chuck Norris on our side, that’s like better than God. Hell we got God too.”
“I guess it is because the drive-by liberal media has brain washed people into ignoring these facts. It’s a good thing I re-bookmarked Glenn Beck’s blog back when I did after my AOL account got all messed up.”
Bobby confessed that he will need to learn to accept the fact that he is ahead of the political curve compared to the general public and some others may not understand. He is just grateful for the wonderful right wing internet resources afforded to him by his aforementioned AOL account. His concerns about the current administration however, will not be calmed.
“All these people crying for health care need to shut up and get a job. Lord knows if it wasn’t for my back from the accident, I know I would.” This was then followed by a 20 minute telling of a 5 minute story about his accident which then somehow landed back on the topic of Obama.
“If he ever messed with Texas…well I’m not sure what I would do.”
Hang in there Bobby Williams. Your country needs you.
- Bookmark :
- Digg
- del.icio.us
- Stumbleupon
- Redit it
After awaking from 25 year coma man stunned to learn President is black
Jeff Stills on his family farm before the accident.
Ozark, Alabama – Jeff Stills was a successful crop farmer from the lower state of Alabama that was raised on a farm he would soon call his own. Unfortunately on the night of April 6th 1984 he flipped his General Lee replica(per his initial description). After further questioning he revealed it was in fact a ‘78 Gremlin given to him by his aunt with a crudely painted “homage” to the General Lee at best. He then entered a coma deeper than any Dukes of Hazard plot.
Doctors had all but given up hope until a month ago he started to show signs of recovery. Within a few weeks he was fully conscious and speaking with the remaining members of his family.
“He has adapted to present life very well. Although it seems some things are taking more time.” His uncle explains.
“A black guy? I mean, Jesus Christ how long was I out?” Jeff could be heard exclaiming from his hospital bed.
“I know Michael Jackson was getting real popular and they had just gotten their own holiday and all but damn.” When asked Jeff refused to clarify who he referred to as ‘they’. He nervously eyed an African American nurse in the distance. He then whispered with his distinct southern twang “I thought that was the whole point I voted for Reagan.”
Only time will tell how smooth his transition back into lower Alabama society will be.
“I think he’ll fit right in,” his uncle optimistically proclaims.
- Bookmark :
- Digg
- del.icio.us
- Stumbleupon
- Redit it
The sanctity of our Constitution is being destroyed by the current administration
But luckily this guy is on the case. After hours upon hours of right wing radio surely his knowledge of the Constitution exceeds Obama’s. What with his fancy smancy Constitutional Law professorship and all. Piss on that shit.
“Men like Madison and Jefferson were moved by the ideals of Christianity, and wanted the United States to reflect those values as a Christian nation,” continued Mortensen, referring to the “Father of the Constitution,” James Madison, considered by many historians to be an atheist, and Thomas Jefferson, an Enlightenment-era thinker who rejected the divinity of Christ and was in France at the time the document was written. “The words on the page speak for themselves.”
The Onion – Area Man Passionate Defend of Constitution
The Onion - Satire
- Bookmark :
- Digg
- del.icio.us
- Stumbleupon
- Redit it
