Late Night Political Jokes of the Week – Romney is still rich, Newt is still not taken seriously

Late Night Political Humor and JokesLeno, Conan, and Letterman

 

Late Night Political Humor

Leno, Conan, and Letterman

Jay Leno: “Here’s some very scary news. They say gasoline could be $6 a gallon. But the good news is the White House says President Obama is aware of the problem, and will continue to talk about it between fund-raisers. So that’s good. Working on that problem.”

Jay Leno: “Are you ready for March Madness? … So there are 68 teams, right? Sixty-eight teams playing for the title. And yet, they’ll probably decide a winner before the Republicans do. Isn’t that amazing?”

Jimmy Kimmel: Mitt Romney celebrated his 65th birthday today. They had to be very careful lighting all those candles around so much hair product. But there were no incidents.”

Jay Leno: “Believe me, whatever you think, Mitt Romney, this guy is smart with money. He knows how to make money. In fact, turns out, he’s had at least 11 money funds and partnerships in low tax foreign countries like Bermuda, the Cayman Islands, Switzerland, even Luxembourg. You know what that means? His money has had more foreign policy experience than he has.”

Jimmy Kimmel:Rick Santorum yesterday spoke at what they call the Gulf Coast Energy Summit, in Biloxi, Mississippi. And he said, he believes global warming is bogus. And when Rick Santorum speaks about climate science, you listen. Because as you can see here, he looks a lot like a local weather man. Thanks, Rick. Now, here’s Newt with sports.”

David Letterman: “You all know Newt Gingrich. You know who I’m talking about when I say Newt Gingrich. Newt is short for Newton. People say if that’s the case, what is Mitt short for? It’s short for Mittens. Newt Gingrich is searching now, he’s so confident he’ll be the presidential candidate he’s looking for a vice presidential running mate. Being Newt Gingrich’s vice presidential running mate is like being a Kim Kardashian husband.”

Jon Stewart: “So did Newt win the South? Well, actually Rick Santorum won Alabama and Mississippi, and Mitt Romney won Hawaii and American Samoa. Here’s a little mnemonic device to help you remember. Places you can get to in a Winnebago go to Santorum. Places that require a jet or a yacht go to Romney. Romney always does well with islands. That’s where his money lives.”

Jay Leno: “You know, Mitt Romney’s been outspending his opponents by a huge margin, and he’s still losing. Fortunately, being a hedge fund manager, he bet against himself and made another fortune. So it all worked out. It all worked out okay.”

Jay Leno: “Well, not a good week for President Obama either. His approval rating has dropped 9% in the last month. An all time low of 41%. It was 57% last May. In fact, if this keeps up, the White House said they may have to fish out bin Laden and shoot him all over again.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Puerto Rico is a territory of the United States. And yesterday, Santorum greeted the locals by telling them if Puerto Rico wants to become a state, they need to start speaking English. Like Jesus does. Only Rick Santorum would go to someone’s native land and tell them they’re speaking the wrong language. And then he told them to stop being so Mexican. He got a shot to be our funniest President ever.”

Jay Leno: “And more and more Republicans are calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the campaign. Well, I don’t want the say things look bad for Newt, but his ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters. Okay, that’s never a good sign. Never a good sign.”

Jay Leno: “And President Obama said he’s set up a task force to look into high gas prices. Now, he’d look into it himself, but he’s busy working on those brackets. That takes a long time.”

 

Check out Will Ferrell on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart:

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Jason Parker