Note: This edition also includes the previous week, which wasn’t updated due to the holiday.
David Letterman: “How about Newt Gingrich?. … Now he’s making a tremendous comeback. This could be the politicalstory of the year. Newt Gingrich, the political story of the year. The year is 1996, but still, the political story.”
David Letterman: “Top Ten Supercommittee Excuses:
10. Spent too much time picking a cool name for the committee.
9. Got distracted by Congress’ new Donkey Kong machine.
8. Wasted time trying on each other’s hairpieces.
7. When your options are solve the national debt crisis or see the new ‘Twilight’ movie, you see the new ‘Twilight’ movie.
6. Quit early to get in line for the Black Friday sale at Annie Sez.
5. It’s the curse of the chupacabra.
4. We’re assembling a special committee to come up with excuses.
3. It’s Robert Wagner’s fault.
2. Hey, normally it takes us twice as long to get nothing done.
1. President Santorum will figure it out.”
David Letterman: “Obama is having a pretty good year. If you think about it in certain terms and people forget about this. First bin Laden, did we forget a little something called bin Laden? Moammar Gadhafi, did we forget about him? Next, Robert Wagner.”
Jimmy Fallon: “President Obama returned home to the US after a nine-day trip to Asia. Yeah. Well, he got to see some stuff he never sees at home, like jobs.”
Jimmy Kimmel : “The big movie was the latest installment of ‘The Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn: Part 1.’ It made more than $140 million over the weekend. I have to say, it’s refreshing to finally see a story about wolves and teen pregnancy that doesn’t involve the Palins. Isn’t it?”
Conan O’Brien: “Occupy Wall Street is in the news. Tomorrow, Occupy Wall Street protesters are planning to occupy the subway in New York City. Because if there is one place that you can confront the nation’s wealthiest 1%, it’s on the subway.”
David Letterman: “How about that Rick Perry, Governor of Texas? He’s very cutting edge, although he seems right of center. He announced today to satisfy environmentalists he is now using solar power. And this is brilliant thinking, this guy is a visionary– using solar power to run the Texas electric chair.”
Jimmy Fallon: “Happy birthday to Vice President Biden who turns 69 this weekend. When they saw him coming, White House staffers turned off the lights, hid behind the couch, and then waited for him to leave.”
Jimmy Fallon: “Hey, you guys know there was another Republican debate on Saturday, and listen to this. Ron Paul only got 89 seconds to speak. Seriously? Rick Perry gets more time than that to try to remember something.”
Jay Leno: “Well, a new poll shows 45% of Republicans believe that Mitt Romney will be the nominee, and that rises to 46% if you count Rick Perry, who also believes Mitt Romney will be the nominee.”
Craig Ferguson: “Mitt Romney said this week if he’s elected, he won’t let Iran get nuclear weapons. Other Republicans were quick to respond. Newt Gingrich said it would be impossible to enforce. Ron Paul said it’s none of our business. And Rick Perry said – [blank stare]”
Jay Leno: “And President Obama’s body man – that’s who they call the President’s assistant – a body man. A guy named Reggie Love, leaving the White House to get a degree at the Wharton School of Business. I guess he realized you can’t learn anything about economics in the Obama White House.”
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