Political Jokes of the Week – DNC, RNC, Bill Clinton is Back, Obama Up in the Polls

Late Night Political Humor and JokesLeno, Conan, and Letterman

 

Late Night Political Humor and Jokes

Leno, Conan, and Letterman

Jay Leno: “Well, last night at his speech, President Obama invoked FDR. Then he saw the unemployment numbers and invoked WTF.”

Jay Leno: “It seems there were only 96,000 jobs added in the last month. Only 96,000. And half of those were strippers working the conventions.”

Conan O’Brien: “It is refreshing now to finally be in the homestretch of this election. Doesn’t it feel like this election has been going on for about nine years? Going on forever. Now we’re in the homestretch and candidates are pulling out all of the stops. This is the latest. Mitt Romney released another ad that features Hispanic voters speaking in Spanish. Have you seen it? Yeah, the ad ends with him saying, ‘I’m Mitt Romney, and I have no idea what these people are saying.'”

Conan O’Brien: “President Obama spent the weekend campaigning in Florida. He’s trying to woo senior citizens. Wants to get senior citizens behind them, yeah. Which may be why Obama starts his speeches in Florida with, ‘Hi, I’m President Eisenhower with a tan.'”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Meanwhile, President Obama was in Florida campaigning. Yesterday he visited the Big Apple Pizza and Pasta restaurant in Fort Pierce. When he got there he met the owner of the restaurant, that big guy who was very excited to meet the President. He kept shaking his hand, he wanted to hug him. Even kind like put him in some kind of an arm lock there. You can see he was so excited he truly went ahead, not only to hug him, he lifted the President off the ground and that became the photo of the day. That’s not a hug. That’s a Heimlich. Hard to believe the Secret Service let him get that close and even harder to believe Michelle let him in a pizza place.”

Conan O’Brien: “Over the weekend Mitt Romney made an appearance at a NASCAR race in Virginia. There was an awkward moment when he asked a NASCAR driver why he didn’t just hire a chauffeur.”

Conan O’Brien: “Mitt Romney is not backing down from his statement that America’s number one foe is Russia. Then he said America’s number one band is Duran Duran and the number one movie is ‘The Goonies.'”

Craig Ferguson: “Over the weekend, Vice President Joe Biden hung out with a biker gang in Ohio. When I saw that, I thought to myself, I don’t know if that’s wise. It’s not always a good idea to be associating with shady characters. So next time, think twice, bikers.”

Conan O’Brien: “Weird day in Los Angeles. Early this morning in Los Angeles police were involved with a high speed chase with a suspect drawing a crowd by throwing money out the window. You see that? Throwing money out the window. Folks, is it me or is Mitt Romney getting desperate?”

Conan O’Brien: “Yesterday Bill Clinton said President Obama helped him edit his convention speech, the speech that did so well — he said President Obama helped him edit it. The biggest change was Obama had Clinton use the phrase ‘Americans’ instead of ‘All you fine honeys.'”

Craig Ferguson: “It’s a great day if you’re a snitch, a rat because the publisher Larry Flynt has offered a million bucks to anyone who comes up with Mitt Romney’s old tax returns. Mitt’s a bit nervous. He doesn’t know what information is out there. Plus, he’s worried he won’t be able turn down making a quick million bucks.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Speaking of Romney, a new poll found that most Americans think President Obama will beat Mitt Romney in the debates. In response, Romney said, ‘Yeah? Well — I’ll think of something later.'”

Jimmy Fallon: “In more campaign news, yesterday in Nevada, President Obama said he’ll win the election if the turnout is anything like it was in 2008. While voters said he’d win if he were anything like he was in 2008.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “There’s a new poll out today, it claims that 58% of Americans believe Barack Obama would beat Mitt Romney in a fistfight. The research was done by Yahoo! and the Institute of Things No One Was Wondering About. I didn’t realize a fistfight between them was an option. Maybe we can wrap this election up tonight. Make it a pay per view. We could wipe up the national debt in one night if we had this.”

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Jason Parker