Political Jokes of the Week – Romney at Bain Capital, Jobs Report, GOP Repeals Obamacare

Late Night Political Humor and JokesLeno, Conan, and Letterman

 

Late Night Political Humor and Jokes

Leno, Conan, and Letterman

Jay Leno: “Well, in a surprise decision yesterday, conservative Chief Justice John Roberts voted with the liberal justices to uphold President Obama’s healthcare law. This makes Roberts actually the first Republican to support a healthcare law with an individual mandate since Mitt Romney in Massachusetts.”

Jay Leno: “You know what this means? People will now have to have health insurance. You know, the same way every driver in California has car insurance. The same way. Exactly. This is something people will follow to the letter of the law.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Here’s a campaign update, you guys. This week, Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a senior center in Iowa. Which explains why the seniors were like, ‘Is this hell?'”

Jay Leno: “Well, the latest polls show 56% of voters think President Obama has changed America for the worse. At this point there’s only thing that can keep Mitt Romney from beating him. Mitt Romney. That’s the only thing.”

Jay Leno: “Listen to this. According to Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann, Mitt may be looking at a woman for Vice President. The bad news? They got John McCain doing the background check.”

Jay Leno: “Political experts say the perfect candidate would be charismatic, well-versed on policy and ready to step in as President on a moment’s notice. Hey, don’t you think if the Republicans had somebody like that, they’d be running them for President?”

Jimmy Fallon: “Here’s news on the economy the White House is telling Americans not to read too much into Friday’s bad jobs report. Or as Americans put it, ‘You had me at don’t read too much.'”

Jay Leno: “Well, the record-breaking heat that’s been affecting the rest of the country is now starting to hit Los Angeles. I was sweating like President Obama trying to spin the latest unemployment numbers. That’s how hot. It was so hot, Eric Holder was smuggling water pistols. That’s how hot it was. It was so hot; immigrants are crossing the border on slip and slides. That’s how bad.”

Jay Leno: “And a new movie called ‘The Obama Effect’ opens this Friday. They’re expecting big crowds. Well sure, nobody’s got a job to go to.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Donald Trump is being honored next month. The Sarasota Republican Party has announced plans to announce Donald Trump Statesman of the Year. If there’s one word to call Donald Trump, it would be statesman-like. And if there were four words it would be: not at all statesman-like.”

Jay Leno: “Well, the White House is now urging Americans not to read too much into last week’s job report. They said it would be best if you don’t read it at all. Don’t even look at it.”

Jay Leno: “And at a Democratic fund-raiser in Seattle earlier this week, Vice President Biden said that Romney’s economic policies were George Bush on steroids. That’s as opposed to Obama’s policies which are on Ambien.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “Mitt Romney turned up in an unlikely place today. He gave a speech at the NAACP conference in Houston. Why, I don’t know. Maybe he confused NAACP with NASCAR, but it got off to a bad start when Romney pulled up in front of the convention center and locked the doors to his limo. Romney isn’t very popular among African-American voters. In fact, diabetes is more popular among African-American voters than Mitt Romney.”

Jay Leno: “Mitt Romney announced he is going to the Olympics in London next month. No word if he’s going to be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxembourg, or the Cayman Islands.”

David Letterman: “This is interesting, this is a way to gauge how things are going. A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone chances are you are going to be supporting President Obama. In a related story, if you support Governor Chris Christie from New Jersey, chances are you love IHOP.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Yesterday, House Republicans held their 33rd vote to repeal Obama’s healthcare law. It was mostly a symbolic vote that accomplished nothing — or as Congress calls that, a vote.”

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Jason Parker