Jimmy Fallon:“I’m so excited for tonight’s show. But if it doesn’t go well, don’t worry. We’ll just shake it up and start over like an Etch-a-Sketch. Did you hear about that thing though? Mitt Romney’s adviser actually compared him to an Etch-a-Sketch and because of that Etch-a-Sketch’s sales jumped 1500%. True. Or as Disney put it, ‘Any way you can compare Romney to a ticket to ‘John Carter?'”
Jay Leno: “Actually, despite Mitt Romney’s 14-point lead nationwide, Rick Santorum is projected to win Louisiana’s primary tomorrow. Even worse for Mitt? Listen to this; the Saints have put a bounty out on him.”
Jay Leno: “And former Senator John ‘The John’ Edwards now denying that he was a client of the millionaire madam in New York City. His lawyers called the report false and defamatory. Which of course, is lawyer talk for true and accurate. No Edwards, he denies it. Edwards says he never paid prostitutes for sex. That’s what campaign workers are for.”
Jimmy Fallon: “The 2012 election is pretty nasty. It’s getting pretty nasty out there. Yesterday on CNN, White House advisor David Plouffe referred to the Republican presidential race as a ‘clown show.’ Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich all called the statement ridiculous. And then they piled into one tiny car and drove off.”
Jay Leno: “And this weekend, 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice. They let him shoot the donor himself.”
David Letterman: “Former Vice President Dick Cheney has a brand-new heart, ladies and gentlemen. He got himself a heart transplant. The donor heart came from a traveling peasant, who lost his way in the middle of the night and ended up at Cheney’s castle.”
Jay Leno: “And Newt Gingrich has begun charging $50 to have your picture taken with him at campaign events. You know, he’s just one primary loss away from people charging him $50.”
David Letterman: “Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $50 On A Photo With Newt Gingrich:
10. How much have I paid for pictures with other guys named Newt?
9. Should I just photograph myself burning $50?
8. Do I look Newty enough?
7. Should I just get a free photo of some other guy who’s not going to be President?
6. Do I have to touch him?
5. Is this how Newt met his three wives?
4. Seriously, have I lost my mind?
3. Does Newt have to be in the photo?
2. What would Rick Santorum think of this idea?
1. Will Rush Limbaugh think I’m a slut?”
Conan O’Brien: “Newt Gingrich’s campaign having a little money trouble. Have you heard about this? Newt Gingrich’s campaign is charging people $50 to pose for a picture with Newt. Yeah. And for $100 you can get one without Newt.”
Jay Leno: “Well, this week, the Supreme Court is hearing arguments against Obamacare. How ironic is that? Did you see the Supreme Court sitting there in those black robes, huh? Don’t they look like a death panel?”
Jay Leno: “Well, Newt Gingrich announced today he is laying off a third of his campaign staff. Is that surprising? Hey, he laid off two-thirds of his wives. Why is that unusual?”
David Letterman: “Mitt Romney was a guest on ‘The Tonight Show’ over there on NBC. I mean, it’s interesting, you know, you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out.”
Jay Leno: “I think even President Obama realizes the Obamacare thing is not looking good in front of the Supreme Court. He’s starting to downplay it. Like, today, he called it Bidencare.”
Jay Leno: “Well, this mega millions lottery jackpot is now over half a billion dollars. Billion. That is so much money, I saw Mitt Romney buying a lotto ticket. That’s a lot of money. What do you think your odds are of winning that? The last odds I checked, 176 million to one. But then again, still better odds than Newt Gingrich getting the nomination.”
Jimmy Fallon: “Speaking of the election, today Rick Santorum gave a speech at the Jelly Belly factory in California. Incidentally, the Jelly Belly Factory was also Newt Gingrich’s name in college.”