Leno, Conan, and Letterman
Jay Leno: “Well, the Democrats are getting ready for their convention next week in North Carolina. Or as they’re telling Joe Biden, South Carolina.”
Jay Leno: “Oh, and in Florida — in Florida, a 22-year-old man was arrested for robbing a McDonald’s restaurant wearing a Barack Obama mask. He told the cops the robbery was justified because, apparently, the restaurant owner made more than $250,000 a year.”
Jay Leno: “The first two nights at the Democratic convention are at the Time Warner Cable Arena. The big speech by the President Obama will be at the Bank of America stadium. Well, that’s good thinking. The two things Americans love most — cable companies and banks, really. I mean, think about it. What are the odds of that? They gave the Bank of America a $45 billion bailout, and they give the speech there. I’m stunned. You thought the Republicans are too close to the banks.”
Conan O’Brien: “If you’re a donor to President Obama’s campaign – donors were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden.”
Jimmy Fallon: “There are reports that nine of the hotels being used for politicians at the Democratic National Convention have bed bugs. Yeah. When asked what it’s like dealing with thousands of ruthless blood suckers, the bed bugs are like ‘Yeah, it’s okay. We’ll deal with it. We get by.'”
Craig Ferguson: “Later in the week, former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood’s speech. Except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience.”
Jay Leno: Well, folks, it is day two of the Democratic convention and — oh, this is interesting. Apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn’t get President Obama out of Bill Clinton’s shadow.”
David Letterman: “How many of you saw First Lady Michelle Obama’s speech last night at the Democratic National Convention? It was powerful. I was happy to see it. It was exhilarating. It was thrilling. It was motivating. And I– at the end of the speech, I thought, ‘Whoa, boy. She could do much better than him.'”
Conan O’Brien: “She gave a great speech last night. Michelle Obama said the first car Barack picked her up in was so old, you could see the ground below them. Yeah. Today, Ann Romney said the same thing about Mitt’s helicopter. In her speech, she gave away some nice details about their family life. First Lady Michelle Obama said her husband has dinner with his girls where they strategize about middle school relationships. That explains why today the Pentagon ordered a drone strike on that lying bitch Ashley.”
Jay Leno: “Well folks, both conventions are finally over, and if you watched, I think it’s pretty clear who should be the next President of the United States. Bill Clinton! How about that? Yeah!”
Jay Leno: “Bill Clinton said that Obama inherited a deeply damaged economy. And if he’s reelected, he’ll inherit an even more deeply damaged economy.”
Conan O’Brien: “After his speech last night, President Obama surprised Clinton by walking on stage and giving him a hug. Surprised him, yeah. Out of habit when Bill Clinton saw a woman’s husband coming at him, he threw a shoe and hid in the closet.”