Jay Leno: “Well, in an interview with Univision yesterday, President Obama said, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned as President, it’s that you can’t change Washington from within.’ So what is he saying? If we want real change, we got to throw him out? What does that mean? I don’t even understand what that means. We’ve gone from ‘Yes, We Can,’ to ‘I’m Sorry, No One Can.’

Jay Leno: “Well, Mitt Romney’s campaign today released his 2 2011 tax returns. And they came directly from his accountant. In fact, you can still see the Swiss stamp on the envelope. And this guy — this guy is nothing if not a smart businessman. In fact, he’s already written off his campaign as a total loss. Yeah, he’s deducted the whole thing.”

Jimmy Fallon: “It’s been a rough week for Romney. I would not want to be in his shoes this week. It was found new documents show that Mitt Romney’s campaign is $11 million in debt. Yeah. First Romney’s advisers had to explain to him that he’s running out of money, and then they had to explain what running out of money means.”

Jay Leno: “Hey, congratulations to both Mitt Romney and President Obama. They both won Emmy’s for their performance on ’60 Minutes’ last night. Obama won for acting as if everything has gotten better over the last four years, and Romney won for pretending to care about the other 47%.”

Jay Leno: “And a woman in Tampa, Florida, who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, ‘Obama, please save my home.’ To which Obama said, ‘Hey lady, I’m trying not to get thrown out of my own house.'”

Conan O’Brien: “A new book claims that Texas Governor Rick Perry did not win the Republican primary because he suffers from a sleep disorder. That was the reason, yeah. His doctor said also not helping — he’s dumb as a rock.”

Jay Leno: “Well, last week in Vermont, the guy from the Dos Equis beer commercial — you know, the most interesting man in the world? You ever see that? Well, he hosted a fund-raiser for President Obama. See, that shows you how things have changed. Four years ago, the slogan was ‘Hope and Change.’ Now, it’s ‘Stay Thirsty, My Friends.’ Just keep drinking.”

Jay Leno: “Oh, listen to this. At a concert the other night, Madonna promised fans she will strip naked if President Obama is re-elected. Now, is it just me or does that sound like an endorsement for Mitt Romney? I’m not sure. Let me tell you something. Let me make something clear to Madonna: Americans will not give in to threats.”

Jimmy Fallon: “There are reports that President Obama is getting ready to release about one-third of the prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay — which gets even worse when you hear they are all going to work as replacement refs for the NFL.”

Jay Leno: “Well, the most recent polls show that President Obama may have as much as a five-point lead over Mitt Romney. In fact, the President is feeling so confident, he is thinking about letting Joe Biden start speaking again.”

David Letterman: “You know who’s pumped up for this debate is Barack Obama. Because he hasn’t had to debate anybody in four years so he is ready to go and earlier today the White House released a press statement saying that they were calling the upcoming debate the ‘Thrilla with Vanilla.'”

Jay Leno: “Well, as you know, the NFL is getting a lot of complaints about these replacement refs. In fact, it’s gotten so bad, they’re now thinking about getting replacement refs to replace the replacement refs. … Are you mad about this? A lot of people very upset. Yeah, well, the public is outraged. They’re not used to seeing this level of incompetence outside of Congress.”

Jay Leno: “The minute the replacement refs were fired, President Obama said, ‘See, sometimes losing jobs can be a good thing.'”

Jay Leno: “A new survey out today shows how much time we waste every day in our lives. For example, we waste seven minutes in line every time we go to get coffee, 28 minutes getting through airport security, four years waiting for Obama to do something about the economy.”

Jay Leno: “Paul Ryan now says that President Obama’s foreign policy has blown up in his face and it’s time go back to the Republican foreign policy. Let’s see. Obama’s kept Guantanamo Bay open. The troops are still overseas. The Mideast still hates us. Isn’t that the Republican policy?”

Stephen Colbert: “There are 40 days left until the election. A lot can happen in 40 days. Obama could make a gaffe. Mitt could win the debates. God could send a flood to destroy all mankind. So there’s hope.”

 

Saturday Night Live skit: Obama Rally