Jay Leno: “The GSA, they were partying in Vegas. The Secret Service having sex with prostitutes. Suddenly working for the government is one long episode of ‘The Jersey Shore.'”

Jay Leno: “As you know, a member of the Secret Service advance team was in Colombia ahead of President Obama. He got in an argument with an escort over how much he owed her for her services. She said it was $800. He offered her $30. Finally, somebody in Washington willing to cut spending and they fire him.”

Conan O’Brien: “President Obama working hard. This campaign is going at it now. President Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap as a way to appeal to college students. And if that doesn’t work, Obama’s going to switch to his second proposal, ‘Hey, everybody, free pizza in my room.'”

Jay Leno: “Here’s an interesting revelation. According to his book ‘Dreams from My Father,’ that’s President Obama’s book, President Obama said when he was a boy he ate dog meat. Dog meat? Today Mitt Romney’s dog said, ‘You know, riding on the top of the car, maybe that’s not so bad after all. Whew! I’ll take it! I’ll take it!'”

Jimmy Fallon: “Tonight on the show we have the President of the United States, Barack Obama. Unfortunately, though, a lot of people aren’t able to get tickets, that includes students, professors, Joe Biden. It was a very hot ticket.”

Jimmy Fallon: “President Obama said he’s not going to pander to the students and tell them what they want to hear. I thought it was weird when they changed his slogan from ‘Yes, We Can’ to ‘Duke Sucks.'”

Conan O’Brien: “The Secret Service scandal continues. Political analysts are saying that President Obama doesn’t want to be too critical of the Secret Service because their agents protect him every day. Which explains why today President Obama said it was fiscally responsible refusing to pay the prostitute.”

Jay Leno: “After winning five primaries yesterday, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan – ‘Well, I Guess You’re Stuck With Me Now!'”

David Letterman: “I was watching Mitt Romney take a victory lap last night, and I was watching him, and I thought he gets a lot of criticism because he’s kind of stiff. He’s sort of cold. He’s sort of aloof. And I thought, ‘Let’s look on the bright side of this.’ Mitt Romney, honest to God, I think is an inspiration to kids all over this country who sadly were born without a personality. I mean, the sky is the limit.”

David Letterman: “In the wake of the Colombian prostitution scandal, another Secret Service agent has been removed from his position at the White House and demoted to protecting the animatronic Presidents at Disney World.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “According to a new ABC ‘Washington Post’ poll, both Michelle Obama and Ann Romney are more popular than their husbands. Although at this point, asbestos is more popular than their husbands. But while only 56% of Americans have a positive view of the President, 69% have a favorable view of Mrs. Obama. Do you think they use these polls when they have a fight? ‘Excuse me, the last time I checked, 69% of everyone is on my side. So maybe think about that while you go sleep on the couch.'”

Conan O’Brien: “A new Republican ad came out that claims President Obama is now too focused on being cool. Yeah. President Obama hasn’t responded to the ad because he’s too busy snowboarding with the boy band One Direction.”

Jay Leno: “Mitt Romney swept all five primaries the other night. So it looks like he’s the nominee. And in his acceptance speech, Mitt Romney told the American people, ‘Just hold on a little longer.’ Which is the same thing he used to tell his dog when he was tied to the roof of the car. ‘Just hold on a little longer. We’ll be there very soon. Just hang on, Seamus!'”

Jay Leno: “Have you been watching this John Edwards trial? Oh my God, you talk about a fall from grace. I don’t know what kind of president John Edwards would have been, but I’m pretty sure he would have gotten along really well with the Secret Service.”