Leno, Conan, and Letterman
Jay Leno: “Today, the Saudi Oil Minister denounced what he called irrationally high oil prices. Gee, if only the Saudi Oil Minister knew somebody in a position of power who could lower those prices, you know? Like the Saudi Oil Minister.”
Jay Leno: “Now there’s a problem with the paperwork with Dick Cheney’s heart operation. The insurance company doesn’t want to pay. They said for Cheney being heartless was a pre-existing condition.”
Jay Leno: “How many are upset they didn’t win the lottery? If it makes you feel any better the odds of winning were 176 million to 1. Okay? About the same odds the Supreme Court will pass Obamacare.”
Conan O’Brien: “You probably read this; three people have won the Mega Millions Lottery. You know what that means, three more votes for Mitt Romney.”Jimmy Kimmel : “More primary elections were held in Wisconsin, Maryland, and Washington, DC today. It feels like this primary has been going on for — how many states are there now? Mitt Romney was expected to sweep all three primaries. Or at least hire a guy to sweep them for him.”
Conan O’Brien: “You all excited about the big Wisconsin primary, huh? … Primary number 88 in that state I don’t care about. A little bit of a controversy going on with the Wisconsin primary. Wisconsin Democrats are accusing Mitt Romney of handing out free sub sandwiches in exchange for votes. Which explains why Newt Gingrich today voted for Mitt Romney. Seven times.”
Jimmy Fallon: “Speaking of the election, yesterday Rick Santorum guaranteed that he will win the primary in his home state of Pennsylvania. And not to be outdone, Ron Paul guaranteed he will finish somewhere in the top ten.”
Jay Leno: “Did you hear that story about how Mitt Romney and his wife are going to put a car elevator in their San Diego home? Did you hear that? A car elevator. Tell you how rich he is, they’re also going to put in a little doggy door for their Mini Cooper.”
Conan O’Brien: “John McCain said an interesting thing. This morning, John McCain was asked who Mitt Romney should consider for Vice President. McCain laughed and said, ‘Sarah Palin.’ When no one else laughed, McCain sighed, stared into the distance and said, ‘I guess you had to be there.'”
Jimmy Fallon: “Some big election news, you guys. Last night, Mitt Romney went three-for-three by winning the primaries in Maryland, Wisconsin and Washington, DC. Not to be outdone, Rick Santorum went three-for-three by offending women, atheists and Latinos.”
Jay Leno: “I read today, the earth’s population is now well past seven billion people … seven billion. And still, the Republicans can’t find one candidate they really like.”
Jimmy Fallon: “Did you guys see this? There was a new picture; it was just released, of President Obama giving the ‘Star Trek’ Vulcan salute at the White House. Pretty amazing. Even Spock was like, ‘Whoa, look at that guy’s ears.'”
Jon Stewart: “Irony. The people holding the conference that wasted a ton of government money are the people in charge of making sure the government doesn’t waste a ton of money. It’s like the Center for Disease Control holding a conference in Andy Dick’s jacuzzi. It’s like the Justice Department selling guns to Mexican drug dealers. What? They– they did? You’ve got to be kidding me!”
Jimmy Fallon: “Hey this is nice, last week; President Obama received a custom pair of New Balance running shoes. Yeah. New Balance was also going to give a pair to Joe Biden, but they didn’t have any with Velcro.”