Political Jokes of the Week – Romney is Rich, Obama says private sector ‘Doing fine.’, Rand Paul

Late Night Political Humor and Jokes
Leno, Conan, and Letterman


Late Night Political Humor and Jokes

Leno, Conan, and Letterman

Jay Leno:“And in the White House press conference earlier today, President Obama was asked about the economy. The President said the economy is doing fine. In fact, over 14 million people were able to watch it while sitting at home because they’re unemployed. So, they saw that today.”

Jay Leno: “Well, do you know about this? According to a new book that’s coming out, allegedly, President Obama smoked a lot of marijuana while he was in high school. And friends say he did it to escape his troubles. Well, how big a joint is he smoking now?”

Jimmy Fallon: “Speaking of President Obama, this weekend his daughter Sasha will turn 11 years old. Yep. Sasha – yep. Eleven years old. Sasha didn’t ask Obama for a present, you know, because she’s still waiting for him to deliver the gift he promised three birthdays ago.”

Jay Leno: “And Rand Paul – do you know who Rand Paul is? He is son of Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, who has not dropped out of the race yet, by the way. Well, Rand Paul has now endorsed Mitt Romney. That’s going to make for an awkward Father’s Day this Sunday, doesn’t it? Huh? Whoo. ‘Hey, pop, what do you want for Father’s Day?’ ‘I don’t know, a little support might be nice.'”

Jay Leno: “According to a new Gallup poll, people in the Middle East lead the world in negative emotions. Well, duh. Any time people are lining up to be suicide bombers, they’re probably not in a happy place.”

David Letterman: “Oh, now the, the debate, the president, it’s really running hot now because over the weekend, I guess Friday or something, President Obama said that the private sector was ‘doing fine.’ What about it — are we doing fine, are we not doing fine? Yeah, we could do a little better, don’t you think? ‘Fine’ may not be the exact word to describe how the private sector is doing, you know. Hopeful, maybe we’re hopeful. Maybe we’re less pessimistic than we used to be. I don’t know if ‘fine’ is the word.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Speaking of sports, in a new interview, President Obama says he hopes, too, that the NBA Finals go to a game seven. Of course, Obama should probably be focused on other matters, like hoping his presidency goes to a term two. I mean, that’s what I would be doing. Priorities.”

Jay Leno: “Well, let’s see what’s going on in politics. Pundits announcing President Obama starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter. Not good. That’s not good.”

Jay Leno: “Yeah, Romney – Romney announced this week he is going on a Midwest five-day bus tour. The hard part? Explaining to Mitt what a bus is. ‘It’s not one person per vehicle? You mean many people ride? Isn’t that Communist?'”

Jay Leno: “Hey, have you seen that video that’s gone viral of Mitt Romney having trouble trying to recognize the chocolate doughnut? Did you see this video? Yeah, it’s all over the web. At first he said, ‘Is that beluga caviar on the bagel? What is that?’ See, that’s why he needs Chris Christie as his Vice President. Because if anyone can identify a doughnut, it’s Chris Christie.”

David Letterman: “There’s a certain percentage of the staff who believe Mitt Romney has no idea what a donut is. And I would like to support that, but I think the man has to know what a donut is. Anyway, that’s the category tonight – ‘Other ways Mitt Romney describes donuts.’ We had a discussion about this upstairs. Some people believe he has no idea what a donut is. Other ways Mitt Romney describes a donut:

10. Powdered Snack Cylinders

9. Desert Bagels

8. Leavened Batter Globules

7. Sugary Pastry Tires

6. Perforated Strudel Orbs

5. Saturated Fat Wheels

4. Dunking Muffins

3. Glazed Giddy-Ups

2. Chris Christie Kremes

1. Cadillac of Pastries.”

Craig Ferguson: “A company in Germany makes a vending machine that dispenses gold bars. They make them. I don’t know what you would need them for. Mitt Romney has three in his kitchen.”

Jay Leno: “So, Republican Senator John McCain and Democrat Harry Reid have called for the Federal government to step in and help regulate the sport of boxing. Is that a good idea? Something so corrupt and unethical. They’re attempting to regulate something so corrupt and unethical. I don’t think it’s going to work.”

Jay Leno: “And Federal prosecutors also announced they’re dropping all charges against John Edwards. So, ladies, he is available.”


Rahm Emanuel gives Conan O’Brien Citizenship Test: