Jimmy Fallon: “Here’s what people are talking about, you guys. With the first presidential debate less than a week away, both the Obama camp and Romney camp are being careful not to overhype their candidates. They’re asking voters to lower their expectations and not get too excited. Or as voters put it, ‘Way ahead of you. Way ahead of you, buddy.'”

Jimmy Fallon: “A new report found that taxpayers spent $1 billion supporting the Obama family last year. Yeah, when Mitt Romney heard that, he was shocked. He was like, ‘You guys were living off only a billion dollars?'”

Jay Leno: “According to a photo sent back from the Mars rover — did you hear about this? They now believe there was once a large stream of flowing water on the surface of Mars, thousands of years ago. Actually a river going through Mars. But now it’s completely dried up. Today, Al Gore blamed it on Martian warming.”

Conan O’Brien: “Interesting fun fact for you. Mitt Romney has been preparing for the debate by debating a Republican Senator who is playing the part of President Obama. Yeah. Meanwhile President Obama has been preparing for Romney by debating an ATM machine.”

Jay Leno: “Well, the White House confirmed today that, yes, Chinese hackers over the weekend infiltrated government computers. Chinese hackers broke into our computers. In fact, they were gonna commit identity theft until they saw how low our credit rating was.”

Jay Leno: “Well, according to people who are supposed to know these things, we’re now entering a worldwide shortage of bacon and pork. So, finally a crisis Al Gore will find even more troubling than global warming.”

Jay Leno: “At a campaign rally in Charlotte, Vice President Joe Biden said, ‘The middle class has been buried the past four years.’ They’re buried. I’m sorry, which candidate is he campaigning for? I’m confused.”

Jay Leno: “Tomorrow night, the big presidential debate in Denver, Colorado. How many are going to watch the debates? How many wish it was like the NFL, you can just bring in replacement candidates, wouldn’t that be great? I understand they’re gonna have fact checkers standing by in case either candidate happens to say something factual.”

Conan O’Brien: “Candidates preparing hard for the presidential debate. President Obama’s advisors have been working with him to keep his responses short. Yeah. In fact, the only words the President plans on saying are ‘bin Laden’ and ‘dead.’ That’s it.”

Conan O’Brien: “Today was not only the first presidential debate, it was also President Obama’s 20th wedding anniversary. I think the President got a little confused. At one point, he told Michelle that she was out of touch with the middle class and Romney that he looks as beautiful as the day they first met.”

Jay Leno: “You know, watching the debates is a lot like football, particularly the New York Jets. I mean, Tebow is like Romney – almost surely disappointing if he gets in. And Obama’s like Sanchez, already in there and disappointing us right now. So it’s hard.”

Jimmy Kimmel: “According to ‘The New York Times,’ team Romney has been working on what they call zingers for Mitt to use tonight. Just an FYI, If you call it a zinger, probably isn’t one.”

Jay Leno: “Oh, my gosh. Well, the consensus is Mitt Romney won the presidential debate last night. The only people that thought Obama won, the replacement refs. Those are the only ones.”

Conan O’Brien: “Not such a great debate last night, huh? What did you think? A lot of people very disappointed about that debate. A lot of people disappointed in President Obama’s performance last night. Last night critics say president Obama spent too much time looking down at something on the podium. Did you notice that? Yeah. And today the President apologized and said at the next debate, no more Angry Birds.”

Jimmy Fallon: “After months of build-up, last night was the first presidential debate at the University of Denver. Of course, a lot of big names didn’t show up for the event. Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, President Obama…”

David Letterman: “So now President Obama excuses. I called some folks at the White House and they said all right, here’s ten reasons:”

10. “I haven’t slept an hour since 2008.”

9. “Romney’s hair is mesmerizing.”

8. “Didn’t want to wake Jim Lehrer.”

7. “I haven’t been the same since I quit smoking.”

6. “Honestly I though the debate was next week.”

5. “I live with my mother-in-law. What do you want from me?”

4. “Kept blanking on what percentage of the country Mitt’s written off.”

3. “Skipped rehearsal, just like Letterman.”

2. “Why don’t you ask bin Laden how I did?”

1. “It’s Bush’s fault.”