Jay Leno: “You know what’s kind of ironic? This will be the fourth St. Patrick’s Day of Obama’s presidency. He still hasn’t created a green job.”

Jay Leno: “And make no mistake, Mitt Romney’s a rich guy. He is so rich, even his illegal immigrants have illegal immigrants working for them. That’s how rich. He is so rich, the last time he went hunting; he shot Dick Cheney in the face. Okay, that is rich. He is so rich, in his fantasy football league, he drafts owners. That’s how rich.”

Jay Leno: “Well, President Obama’s approval rating has fallen to a new low. That’s not good. Unemployment still too high. Gas prices skyrocketing. But the good news to the President? His brackets are looking great.”

Jay Leno: “And Rick Santorum says he wants to fight a war on pornography. Well, you thought the war on drugs was hopeless. Oh, my God.”

Conan O’Brien: “Rick Santorum has now said if elected President, he would ban hardcore pornography. Which is why Mitt Romney changed his slogan, ‘Mitt Romney: Because Santorum Would Ban Hard Core Pornography.'”

Jimmy Kimmel: “You know, they had a GOP primary election today in Illinois. Mitt Romney was projected to win big considering the fact that he owns the state of Illinois. Romney had a big victory, finishing with about 50% of the vote. Rick Santorum finished with 35% of the vote. Newt Gingrich finished behind Ron Paul with only about 8%. Some top Republicans are urging Newt to leave the race, but he says he’s sticking around. If they could get him to marry the race, he would probably leave it eventually.”

Jay Leno: “Well, the candidates are choosing their Secret Service code names. Rick Santorum chose the name Petrus after his grandfather. And Mitt Romney, you can tell he’s a rich guy. You see his name Secret Service code name? Thurston Howell III.”

David Letterman: “Rick Santorum said he’s not worried about unemployment. Well, he will be in November.”

Conan O’Brien: “Big, big day for President Obama yesterday. This is exciting. Yesterday the Prime Minister of Ireland, did you hear this, made President Obama an honorary Irishman. As a result, President Obama awoke this morning with a hangover and a job at the fire department.”

Conan O’Brien: “Rick Santorum is still hanging in there. It’s interesting, it’s been reported the Santorum campaign has raised at least $300,000 by selling sweater vests. Yeah. Meanwhile, the Newt Gingrich campaign has made twice that by selling Spanx for men.”

Jimmy Fallon: “Some big news out of the White House. This weekend, President Obama will visit the border that separates North and South Korea. And not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich will visit the border that separates the KFC from the Taco Bell.”

Jay Leno: “Well, all the candidates are now choosing their Secret Service code names. Why do they tell us? You think that should be secret, but Mitt Romney’s picked Javelin. That’s his real Secret Service code name, Javelin. Rick Santorum chose Petrus ’cause that’s his grandfather’s name. Barack Obama chose Gas Prices Are Not My Fault. That’s his Secret Service code name.”

Jay Leno: “Well, at the White House this week, President Obama and the First Lady hosted a St. Patrick’s day reception for the Irish Prime Minister. Even the bartender pouring green beer. Which is about as close as the White House has come to creating green jobs so far.”

Jimmy Fallon: “You guys hear about this? There are reports that John Edwards visited a brothel here in New York while running for President and paid with campaign funds. Man, do you realize what this could do to his reputation? Absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing to that man’s reputation. Good Lord. What a turkey.”