Craig Ferguson: “This week President Obama is going to be a guest on ‘The Tonight Show’ with Jay Leno. I’m surprised. Because his popularity is at an all-time low. And there are people in the streets marching against him. So it’s nice of President Obama to help him out.”

 

Jay Leno: “And Rick Perry says he wants to return America to the good to old days. You know like eight weeks ago when he was ahead in the polls. Those were the good old days.”

 

Conan O’Brien: “A bank in Washington was robbed by two men in George W. Bush masks. Yeah. Luckily right afterwards two guys in Obama masks came and bailed the bank out, so everything is fine.”

 

David Letterman: “Top Ten Details Of Rick Perry’s Tax Plan

10. Fifty percent tax increase for all guy’s named ‘Mitt’

9. Hunting camps with offensive names are tax exempt

8. It’s covered in rib sauce

7. Let’s people choose regular tax, flat tax or ‘el muy caliente’

6. It’s called the 9-9-9-9-9-9-9-9-9-9 plan

5. The obese pay an additional 3% per chin

4. Free dance lessons

3. Not sure, honestly when this guy speaks I have no idea what the hell he’s talking about

2. All tax refunds now go directly to the Chinese

1. Punishment for filing late? Lethal injection.”

 

Jimmy Fallon: “In an interview last night, Rick Perry criticized Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on the issues. Yeah, Romney said that Perry has no idea what he’s talking about, then he added, ‘But he does know what he’s talking about.'”

 

Jimmy Fallon: “President Obama just announced that a new student loan plan that will forgive debt after 20 years. Obama said that forgiving debt is the most honorable thing someone can do, and then he repeated that in Chinese.”

 

Jay Leno: “Michele Bachmann told reporters that she would lead the nation in prayer if she is elected President. You know, if she’s elected President, we’re all going to be praying. Okay, you don’t have to lead us. We’ll be way ahead of you.”