Leno, Conan, and Letterman
Craig Ferguson: “Over the weekend, 11 Secret Service agents were busted with prostitutes. … Honestly, I don’t want to judge these people. They’re role models who sacrifice so much for others and so are the Secret Service. Here’s what scares me though. If a Secret Service guy can’t even go to a hooker and keep it secret, what hope — ?”
Craig Ferguson: “President Obama talked about the scandal today. He said he’s reserving judgment until all the facts are in or at least until he figures out a way to blame this on Mitt Romney.”
Craig Ferguson: “According to his tax return, President Obama made $800,000 last year. In fact, the President made so much money last year that today he endorsed Mitt Romney for President.”
Conan O’Brien: “President Obama has ordered an investigation into the Secret Service sex scandal. And before Obama had even finished issuing the order, Bill Clinton said, ‘I am on it.'”
Conan O’Brien: “Ann Romney is defending her husband for strapping the family dog to the roof of their station wagon when on a family trip saying the dog loved it. Unfortunately, the dog could not be reached for comment because he ran away to stay with Michael Vick.”
Conan O’Brien: “President Obama is gearing up for his presidential campaign. He’s created a new series of ads aimed at Latinos. The first ad boasts that ‘Just last week my Secret Service created jobs for 11 Colombian women.’ That’s a lot of jobs.”
Conan O’Brien: “Mitt Romney is weighing in” on the Secret Service scandal. “He said Secret Service personnel involved in the scandal should be fired for putting ‘play time ahead of the nation.’ So I think the real story here is that Mitt Romney describes prostitutes and cocaine as ‘play time.’ He’s cooler than I thought.”
Jimmy Kimmel: “Mitt Romney is getting a lot of heat from animal lovers because of a story he told of when he put his dog Seamus in a pet carrier and strapped the carrier to the roof of his car for a 12 hour road trip. But now President Obama is the subject of a canine controversy, thanks to his own book. In Obama’s memoir, called, ‘Dreams from My Father,’ he talked about his childhood in Indonesia living with his stepfather, Lolo, he said when he was eight years old, Lolo introduced him to a number of unusual meats, including dog. Our President ate dog.”
Jimmy Kimmel: “What I find most amazing about this is this is not something that someone dug up on him from a distant relative in Indonesia or something. This was in chapter in a book the President wrote about himself. How did we miss this? If Ryan Seacrest wrote a book saying he ate dog, we would go nuts. I guess now you are either on Team Strap Your Dog to the Roof or Team Throw Your Dog on the Hibachi.”
Conan O’Brien: “That Secret Service sex scandal keeps growing. More unfolds every day. Here’s the latest, three of the Secret Service agents involved in the sex and cocaine scandal are now leaving the agency. Yeah. On the bright side, they’re going to have one hell of a going away party.”
Jimmy Kimmel: “The escort claims that the agents said they did not remember agreeing to pay $800, because they were drunk the night before and she refused to leave the room until she got paid. Eventually they settled for $225. These are the guys we should put in charge of negotiating our foreign debt. ‘Sorry, China, we really don’t remember borrowing. We were drunk. We’ll give you a watch and some shoes.'”
Jimmy Kimmel: “Eleven Secret Service men are being investigated. So far, one has been fired, one resigned, one retired and the rest are thinking about leaving just because the party is over. It used to be a fun job and now all they’re doing is standing around in sunglasses waiting to take a bullet for somebody they don’t really know, which — what’s the point of that?”