Leno, Conan, and Letterman
Jay Leno:“This is, of course, both Passover and Easter. In fact, did you hear what Mitt Romney did tonight? You know, I think he’s trying too hard to get votes. He went to a Seder dressed as an Easter bunny.”
Jimmy Fallon: “I read that Mitt Romney has spent $53 million on ads and Rick Santorum has spent $9 million. Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich drew a poster with his name on it and showed it in the background of the ‘Today’ show.”
Jay Leno: “And Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants airport security workers to be nicer to foreigners. Could we be any nicer? I mean, they cross our borders whenever they want. They get jobs. They get bargain college tuition. We give them driver’s licenses. We never ask them to leave. How much nicer can we be, really? I mean, could we be any nicer?”
Jay Leno: “And President Obama attended church services yesterday. You know, he hasn’t been attending services regularly since becoming President because he feels his presence disrupts the services. Though this is election year, he goes every week to that new church the I Am Not a Muslim Cathedral. Have you seen that one?”
Conan O’Brien: “Mitt Romney’s family is trying really hard to make Mitt seem like a regular guy. That is the strategy now. In a new interview that she just gave, Ann Romney says her husband, Mitt, is mischievous. Yeah, for example, she says his favorite prank is to ring someone’s doorbell, run away and then buy the house.”
Jimmy Fallon: “Here is some election news. Today, Joe Biden launched a new Twitter account to give supporters updates from the campaign trails, like his most recent update, ‘They still won’t let me go on the campaign trail.'”
Jay Leno: “Well, the big political news, Rick Santorum has dropped out of the presidential race. I’ll tell you and Newt Gingrich wasted no time, he said, ‘We’re number two, yeah! If we could just get Romney to drop out, we’ve got this thing wrapped up.'”
Jay Leno: “Well, many Republicans didn’t feel that Santorum could win the general election. And that coming out against birth control lost him the female vote and coming out against Internet porn lost him the male vote. It’s hard to win when you lose both the male and the female votes. Those two blocks are pretty strong.”
Jimmy Fallon: “Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Yep, Gettysburg was a great choice because, you know, he should have dropped out four score and seven years ago.”
Jay Leno: “Well, a lot of Republicans feel Mitt Romney has the best chance to defeat Obama. Well, that is understandable. See, Mitt Romney knows how Obama thinks. You know how he knows? Because he used to think the exact same way. It wasn’t that long ago, really.”
Jay Leno: “The price of gasoline has now doubled under President Obama’s Administration. He and Jimmy Carter are the only two Presidents ever to have had that happen, to double the price of gas. But in fairness, at least under President Obama we don’t have to listen to disco.”
Jimmy Fallon: “Hey, here’s some 2012 election update here. It turns out that Newt Gingrich’s campaign wrote a $500 check to participate in the Utah primary but it bounced. It’s true. Even MC Hammer was like, ‘Manage your money, bro!'”
Jimmy Fallon: “Hey, I read that Harvard will soon offer a class called ‘Understanding Obama.’ While Barnum and Bailey Clown College will offer a class called ‘Understanding Biden.'”
Jay Leno: “This is so stupid. I love this stuff. The Obama Administration trying to distance itself today from remarks made by long-time Democratic advisor Hilary Rosen. She said on CNN last night that Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann — a stay-at-home mother of five, survivor of MS and cancer — has never worked a day in her life. The ironic part — because of that idiotic statement, she may never work another day in her life. So stupid. Let me tell you something — if you’re the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, okay?”
Jay Leno: “Let me tell you something, did you see – let me tell you something. That shows you how far we have come as a nation, when Democratic women can say things just as stupid as Republican men. I think it’s a wonderful — it’s a wonderful thing.”
Conan O’Brien: “All right. Newt Gingrich, not happy. Today, Newt Gingrich is blaming the failure of his presidential campaign on Fox News. That’s what he said, yeah. Newt’s also blaming the failure of his diet on Cinnabon. It’s Cinnabon’s fault.”